TONI Episode 104 | Molested & Attempted Suicide Seven Times: Pastor Paul Shares His Story Of Revival
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00:13.6
Only God knows where this road will lead.
00:16.5
But my greatest desire is to stay alive
00:20.5
and live this life for Him.
00:26.8
mahigit kumulang 703,000 na katao kada taon
00:30.4
sa buong mundo ang sumusubok nakitili ng sarili nilang buhay.
00:35.1
I couldn't understand it,
00:36.7
but it somehow taught me that if I try to commit suicide,
00:41.4
I will get out or get away from the consequences,
00:45.0
for example, of failure.
00:47.2
In my life, I have tried to commit suicide seven times
00:51.3
for various reasons.
00:53.6
Kasama po natin ngayon si Brother Paul Devera.
00:57.5
Magandang gabi po.
00:58.7
Kaya natin inimplitahan si Brother Paul
01:00.5
kasi very rampant ngayon ang suicide,
01:04.2
especially to the young generations.
01:06.3
Hindi lang dito sa Pilipinas, but all over the world.
01:08.5
Yes, and actually, it's the second leading cause of death.
01:12.1
For young people.
01:12.9
For young people.
01:13.7
You did it seven times. You attempted.
01:16.5
Pero if you will think about it,
01:18.0
pagbabalikan natin yung childhood mo,
01:20.1
achiever ka, you're mag-nakumlawdis, sumakumlawdis.
01:23.7
You're such a bright student.
01:25.1
Paano nagsimula yun?
01:26.4
Na-form kasi sa akin, Toni, yung takot eh.
01:30.2
Growing up, alam kong mataas yung expectation sa akin.
01:34.2
Never kong sinisi yung nanay ko for this,
01:36.8
but this was a contributor to that.
01:39.5
Na kunyari, uuwi akong may mali ako sa quiz.
01:43.6
Mapapagalitan ako.
01:45.2
Parang pinupush niya ako to excel.
01:47.5
And hindi ko yun minasama.
01:49.8
Kasi feeling ko na gumagaling ako.
01:52.5
Nagiging seryoso ako.
01:54.2
So, sobrang takot ko na uuwi na may mali sa exam.
01:59.3
So, laging perfect?
02:00.3
Dapat lagi akong perfect.
02:01.8
Dapat lagi akong vivo.
02:03.6
Kaya laging top one.
02:04.9
So, nagumpisa yun siguro grade four ako.
02:08.4
For the first time in my life,
02:10.1
naging top three ako.
02:11.6
Pero takot ako na mapapalo ako,
02:14.1
mapapagalitan ako.
02:15.5
More importantly, takot ako na mapapahiya siya.
02:18.5
Kasi all the while,
02:20.0
kakaimprinta yun sa school paper eh.
02:22.1
Top one ka pa lagi.
02:23.1
Lagi nakahighlight yun sa bahay namin.
02:25.2
May koleksyon ng nanay ko ng ginugupit niya yan.
02:29.7
medyo aware ako dun sa concept of suicide.
02:33.2
Kasi nakapanood ko yan sa mga,
02:35.5
yung mga palabas sa TV na reenactment,
02:39.8
Nakakaroon ako ng idea.
02:41.1
So, pag uwi ko ng bahay,
02:44.3
sinabit ko yung sarili ko.
02:45.7
Tumungtong ako sa ano ng kama.
02:48.0
Sinabit ko yung sarili ko sa...
02:49.3
Grade, grade, grade four ganyan.
02:52.6
Tumalun ako. Akala ko masasabit.
02:54.4
Pag sinabit ko, big tee na yun.
02:56.3
E syempre, ang curtain rod namin sa bahay, mahunap.
02:59.3
Bumagsak ako. Pag talong ko, bugog.
03:01.6
Akyat yung mga kapamilya ko,
03:03.8
mami ko, daddy ko.
03:05.2
Anong nangyari? Ganyan.
03:06.9
Sabi ko, umiiyak ako.
03:08.1
Top three lang ako.
03:12.4
Habang nakatali yung curtain na sa akin.
03:14.6
For the first time in my life,
03:16.1
niyakap ako ng nanay ko.
03:17.5
Anang kahit anong top, mahal kita.
03:22.4
siguro na-realize ko,
03:24.5
kung ayokong mapagalitan,
03:25.9
kung ayokong mahirapan,
03:27.2
kung ayokong magka-problema,
03:29.4
hindi ko naman alam na
03:30.8
pag nag-suicide ka, tapos lahat eh.
03:33.0
Kasi ang nakita ko,
03:36.5
Naliligtas ka pa.
03:37.5
Parang nagbago yung reaction.
03:39.2
Nagbago reaction.
03:40.2
From galit na galit,
03:41.4
nung nakita niyang parang magsusuicide ka,
03:44.2
ah, hindi na, okay na.
03:46.4
Ah, yun ang nag-i-effect sa'yo.
03:47.7
Tapos naging, na-train yung utak ko na ganun.
03:50.5
So, parang na naging ano siya eh,
03:52.6
escape route ko siya,
03:54.1
at the same time, manipulation.
03:56.5
That's how I manipulated the situation.
03:59.3
And people as well.
04:00.7
Oo, to get what you want.
04:02.0
To get what I want.
04:03.5
Ah, pero after nangyari yun,
04:05.2
nung nakita ng mami mo,
04:06.8
na you almost ended your life
04:09.7
at a very young age,
04:11.0
hindi ka ba niya inupo?
04:12.2
Wala bang heart to heart na nangyari after that?
04:15.5
Kinausap ako ng mami ko,
04:18.0
anak, hindi ko naman lagi hinihingi sa'yo
04:20.4
na mag top 1 ka para sa'kin.
04:23.2
Yung kagusto ako mag top 1 ka
04:25.3
is para sa'yo yun.
04:26.5
Ginanunan ako ng nani ko,
04:27.5
huwag mo isipin na
04:28.8
kailangan laging perfect, ganyan.
04:30.7
Nag-adjust na siya ng parenting.
04:32.8
Kasi nakita din niya yung
04:37.1
that was applied.
04:37.8
Tsaka yung effect sa inyo.
04:38.4
Yung effect sa amin,
04:39.3
na competitive kami.
04:41.3
Hindi pala healthy.
04:43.5
Nung nakita niya yung...
04:45.3
So, nung nag-heart to heart kayo,
04:46.9
hindi mo pa rin na-gets yung concept ng
04:48.7
sige, hindi ko na uulitin ito.
04:50.3
Hindi ko na-gets.
04:51.3
And this, kahit na lumaki akong
04:56.0
pinapatong ako sa lamesa,
04:58.2
Magre-recite lang ako ng Bible verse.
05:01.3
So, kahit na ganun,
05:02.3
parang yung valuation ko of my life
05:07.9
So, basta ma-affectuhan ng relationship,
05:11.3
ma-affectuhan yung hiya ko,
05:15.3
Laging yun yung nasa isip ko.
05:16.6
Nakakahiya, gusto ko na itong tapusin.
05:18.8
Nandun yung thought na yun.
05:20.0
And that prevails even in this generation.
05:23.3
Pag nag-iisip ng suicide,
05:24.4
ganun yung parang,
05:25.3
wala na akong tatakbuhan eh.
05:27.1
So, hindi ko na kaya ito.
05:28.4
Tapusin ko na lang.
05:29.5
So, ever since, yung parents ko,
05:31.9
nakikita ko na talaga na may problem eh.
05:36.1
We look like a solid family,
05:38.7
pero laging in conflict yung mom and dad ko
05:44.0
Pag nag-aaway sila,
05:46.0
ano ko, lagi kasi akong referee eh.
05:48.4
Kasi ako yung panganay.
05:49.9
So, pag nag-aaway sila, nagsisigawan.
05:52.7
Kumahabloot ako ng kutsilyo sa kusina.
05:55.6
Tututuko sa tatay ko,
05:56.8
tapos tututuko rin sa akin.
05:58.7
Ganong dynamics yung meron kami.
06:01.4
So, flawed na yung family setup.
06:04.9
And then, nung high school,
06:06.3
ito medyo weird kasi,
06:08.4
ini-invite akong mga kaklasi ko
06:10.9
na sumama sa isang camp.
06:14.6
Tapos, kinausap ko yung...
06:16.8
Sa nanay, ako nagpapaalam eh.
06:18.6
Kinausap ko yung nanay ko.
06:19.7
Sabi yung nanay ko,
06:21.2
Wag kasi, first time yun sa buong buhay ko
06:24.2
na pupunta ko sa isang lugar
06:26.4
na hindi sila kasama.
06:28.4
Oo, magka-camping.
06:29.7
Tinanong ko yung tatay ko,
06:31.1
Daddy, camping to.
06:32.7
Di ba ginagawa naman to yung mga lalaki?
06:35.5
Oo, tanong mo sa mami mo.
06:38.0
Mami, payag si daddy.
06:39.9
Hindi nga ako payag.
06:41.2
So, ginawa ako, kinausap ko yung mga kaklasi ko.
06:43.7
Sa'yo, kung hindi ako pinapayagan,
06:44.9
wala daw kaming pera.
06:45.9
Pero hindi naman yun yung dahilan.
06:47.4
Nag-ambagan yung mga kaklasi ko.
06:50.1
Tapos, binayaran na yung registration ko.
06:53.5
Sabi ko sa nanay ko,
06:56.1
Wala na tayong magagawa.
06:57.4
Pupunta na ako kasi nag-contribute sila.
07:00.0
So, masakit yun sa nanay ko.
07:04.5
Ginawa mo yan, okay, sige.
07:07.1
Hindi siya at peace.
07:09.2
Ako, parang feeling ko okay lang.
07:11.4
Pero in that camp,
07:14.5
ng teacher na hindi ko teacher.
07:21.7
nagmamatapang kami.
07:22.8
Sabi namin, kami lang ang mag-tent sa camp na ito.
07:25.7
Lahat sila natulog sa parang house.
07:29.8
Doon, doon ako na...
07:31.0
Doon ko na-encounter yung teacher.
07:33.2
Kasama mo yung mga classmate?
07:34.8
Lumabas yung kaklasi ko
07:36.5
para mag-charge ng phone doon sa bahay.
07:39.5
Tapos yung teacher,
07:41.2
pumunta siya doon sa harap ng tent.
07:43.5
Kinaka-ukausap niya ako.
07:45.2
Ako, magalang akong tao.
07:48.0
So, pag may nakikipag-usap sa akin,
07:49.5
I try to interact. Ganyan.
07:51.7
Pero nung nakikipag-usap na siya,
07:53.5
medyo bastos na yung topic.
07:57.1
Medyo parang may plano siya.
07:58.8
Kinakabahan ako kasi unti-unti,
08:01.6
parang tinusubukan niyang pumasok doon sa tent.
08:05.5
naku, medyo bastos na yung topic.
08:07.3
Siguro lalabas na lang ako
08:08.8
para hindi ako cornered dito.
08:11.2
Yung paglabas ko na yun,
08:13.3
hito kita sa signal
08:15.8
na sasama ako sa kanya.
08:17.7
So, paglabas ko, hinawakan na niya ako sa balikat.
08:21.1
Nilakad na niya ako papunta doon sa medyo gubat na part.
08:24.8
Tapos minoless ka na niya?
08:25.6
Tapos doon na niya ako minoless.
08:27.7
Hindi ka sumigaw, hindi ka umiyak,
08:29.1
hindi ka lumaban?
08:29.9
Hindi. I was shocked.
08:31.5
Alam mo, ganun pala yun yung mga...
08:33.1
Diba kapag tayo nanonood tayo ng mga rape stories,
08:36.3
nag-agets natin yung feeling ng mga kumukutya sa kanila na parang,
08:40.0
bakit hindi ka sumigaw?
08:41.2
Lalo na ako, alam mo ba?
08:43.0
After nun, nung sitwasyon na yun,
08:44.6
nagsumbong ako sa teacher, et cetera, et cetera.
08:47.6
Tinry naming itago sa parents.
08:51.3
Kasi alam ko hindi ako pinayagan eh.
08:53.7
So, ayokong sabihin na nangyari sakin yun.
08:55.8
Pero when I got back,
08:58.0
sobrang sabi ng mami ko,
09:00.6
kaya pala tahimik ka nun.
09:02.1
Wala akong kibok sa bahay.
09:04.0
Kasi nga nasa isip ko na may nangyari sa akin eh.
09:06.9
It lasted for a week
09:09.1
until na-confront ako tas sinabi na
09:11.5
the teacher denies that he did that.
09:13.9
Nagwala ako sa school.
09:15.7
Doon pinatawag yung nanay ko
09:17.3
at doon siya ni-reveal ganito yung nangyari.
09:20.3
I tried to deal with it.
09:23.1
Kasi in that situation,
09:24.8
hindi ko naisip magpakamatay.
09:27.2
Siguro kasi ang inisip ko,
09:29.4
I'll make something good out of this.
09:31.7
So, right after that incident,
09:33.4
ano yung nabago sa'yo?
09:34.6
When we moved to the church that I'm currently in,
09:38.5
doon ko na-realize na
09:40.3
hindi porket na-rape ka, tapos na.
09:42.8
That God can make things new.
09:46.2
That God can give you a fresh start.
09:49.2
So, to me, it was hope.
09:52.3
sige, nangyari ito sakin,
09:53.7
pero I'll turn things around.
09:56.0
So, because of that,
09:57.7
I stepped up in leadership.
10:00.2
Naging active ka sa youth ministry.
10:03.6
pati student government.
10:05.4
Naging presidente ako ng student government.
10:08.3
Tapos, it was a story to tell.
10:10.2
Na, this guy, he was raped.
10:12.6
But now, he's achieving things.
10:14.5
So, to me, that gave me a sense of fulfillment na
10:18.4
Oo. So, parang iisipin mo,
10:22.3
Yun ang naging testimony ng buhay mo.
10:25.4
So, you would think na okay na lahat.
10:27.7
Pero, nandun pa rin pala yung suicidal tendencies mo.
10:30.8
Nandun pa rin siya.
10:31.9
Noong college, I was so focused on the self.
10:35.4
Na parang nakita ko na yung achievement,
10:37.3
yung kaya kong gawin.
10:42.9
Hanggang sa graduate ako, suma cum laude.
10:45.7
Isa ako sa mga unang nagkaroon ng trabaho in our batch.
10:50.4
nalimutan ko si God.
10:52.3
Parang pakiramdam ko,
10:56.1
At that time, ang mindset ko,
10:58.2
pagka-graduate ko,
10:59.4
trabaho lang akong konti,
11:00.4
papakasal na ako.
11:03.9
Ang ginawa ni Lord,
11:05.2
nakipag-break yung
11:06.7
yung girlfriend ko sakin.
11:09.2
Dun pumasok ulit yung suicide.
11:11.5
Binitin ko yung sarili ko.
11:16.8
kakarating lang ng kapatid kong babae.
11:20.5
Pagkasabit kong ganyan,
11:22.3
Sigaw siyang ganyan.
11:23.4
Binuhat niya ako.
11:24.5
Tapos lumuwag yung tali.
11:28.2
siya na nagsabi sa parents ko.
11:30.4
Nakita ko si Kuya mapapakamatay.
11:33.1
So, baka may nangyari.
11:34.7
So, nalaman na nila na
11:37.2
So, binebi ako ngayon nila.
11:42.0
hindi pa rin namin naiisip na
11:44.2
the suicidal tendencies,
11:46.0
it had to be consulted with someone.
11:48.7
Dapat kang magkaroon ng psychologist,
11:52.3
Kaka-counselor, ganyan.
11:54.2
And then, eventually,
11:55.8
naging decision ko was to
11:57.5
balik ako kay Lord.
12:00.0
sige, hindi na rin naman ako makakatakbo
12:03.7
So, lalapit na lang ako.
12:05.9
Eventually, as I was working in advertising,
12:09.1
I had this heart na parang,
12:10.9
Lord, gusto kong mag-ano?
12:12.3
Gusto kong magsilbi sa'yo.
12:14.0
Tawagin mo ko in full-time ministry.
12:17.2
Hindi ako kinukall.
12:20.1
kahit sa anong advertising agency,
12:22.8
Nagbabible-study ako.
12:26.7
pinag-full-time na ako.
12:27.9
So, tinawag ako full-time.
12:29.3
Tinanong ko mami ko,
12:31.4
pwede ba ako mag-full-time?
12:32.6
Nasabi ng mami ko,
12:34.3
dati pa, alam ko na na
12:37.5
sa Bible kasi meron
12:38.8
yung panganay mo,
12:39.6
bibigay mo kay Lord.
12:42.9
ito na yung offering ko.
12:45.0
that was the sense of us as a church.
12:46.0
Magsilbi ka sa church
12:47.2
to offer mo yung life.
12:49.5
I was pastor in training at that time.
12:52.3
magpapastor ka na.
12:53.6
Pastor in training.
12:56.3
I was so focused on the ministry
12:58.8
and the title itself na,
13:00.3
Uy, pastor, pastor,
13:04.2
ang dami kong na-miss out.
13:06.6
Hindi ko napansin na may
13:08.1
marital conflict na yung
13:09.3
parents ko at that time.
13:11.4
Pero dahil tutok ako
13:12.5
in what I do in the church,
13:14.6
hindi ko na nakita yun.
13:16.4
Hanggang dumating yung point,
13:18.6
tumawag ang nanay ko sa akin,
13:20.7
tapos sinabi ng mami ko na,
13:26.9
Wala na yung gamit ko sa bahay.
13:28.4
Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin kung
13:31.6
Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin.
13:32.5
Pero ayoko na talaga.
13:33.8
Sorry, patawarin mo ko.
13:35.0
Ikaw na lang ang magsabi.
13:36.2
So, may bilin pa yung nanay ko.
13:38.1
Ikaw na lang ang magsabi sa kanila.
13:42.3
naiintindihan ko yung
13:44.3
bakit hindi na kinaya nung nanay ko.
13:46.8
Pero in my mind as well,
13:48.9
paano ko ito ibabalance?
13:50.2
Pastor in training,
13:53.0
ang daming problema,
13:54.3
discipleship, et cetera.
13:55.7
Tapos may relationship pa akong pinapursue.
13:58.4
Parang feeling ko,
13:59.1
hindi ko siya kayang...
14:03.1
I was doing Bible study.
14:04.8
Parang ang pakiramdam ko,
14:05.8
galit si Lord sa akin.
14:07.5
Kaya lahat nangyayari
14:08.8
itong mga bagay na ito.
14:10.1
Kaya lahat ng relationship
14:12.3
Feeling ko galit si Lord sa akin.
14:14.2
The day before I committed suicide,
14:16.3
I was reading this passage that said,
14:19.9
Day of sober spirit,
14:21.6
the devil prowls around
14:23.7
like a roaring lion
14:25.4
seeking someone to devour.
14:27.8
Nung nabasa ko yung verse na yun,
14:28.9
tinigil ko yung quiet time ko.
14:34.0
down na down ako.
14:36.0
binibigay mo na ako sa devil.
14:38.4
Wala na, na-depress na ako.
14:41.8
Kasi sa susunod na verse,
14:43.6
pinangako si Jesus Christ doon eh.
14:46.4
but I will hold you.
14:48.9
I will support you.
14:51.2
Pero tinigil ko na.
14:53.2
nag-block out na ako.
14:54.6
Yung girlfriend ko at that time,
14:56.0
na asawa ko na ngayon,
14:57.8
nasa Singapore siya for work.
15:01.0
nagkaroon kami ng konting away din.
15:04.0
Naging clingy ako yung parang,
15:05.4
sagutin mo yung tawag ko,
15:06.5
sagutin mo yung tawag ko.
15:08.2
Nasa Singapore siya.
15:09.3
Nasa Pilipinas ka.
15:11.7
hindi ko alam kung ano nangyari.
15:13.2
Basta bumangon ako.
15:14.0
So maybe around 4, 10
15:18.7
Nag-big-tea ulit ako.
15:21.7
wala na akong tungtungan.
15:24.9
Sinturon lang gamit ko.
15:26.1
Hindi pa ako nag-isip
15:27.0
kung kaya nung sinturon or what.
15:29.5
sinarado ko siya sa lehig ko.
15:30.9
Sinamit ko sa hagdan.
15:32.5
Tapos siguro dahil weak yung body ko,
15:34.9
nakatulog na lang siguro ako.
15:38.2
bumaba yung kapatid ko
15:41.0
Pagbukas siya ng ilaw ng banyo,
15:43.5
parang may nakatingin sa akin.
15:48.9
So, the description was,
15:51.2
my tongue was out
15:53.1
and then I peed already.
15:55.2
Nagsisigawa na sa bahay.
15:56.5
Bumaba ang tatay ko.
15:58.5
Tinanggal nila ako doon sa pagkakasabit.
16:01.0
Ang sabi ng tatay ko,
16:02.5
ang nasa isip daw niya
16:03.6
habang tinatanggal niya yung sinturon sa lehig ko,
16:07.5
sa morgue na niya ako dadalin.
16:09.3
Nalaman ng buong church
16:11.4
na nagpakamatay si Paul de Vera.
16:13.6
Pag niisip ko yun,
16:15.4
Oh, kasi nagpapastor.
16:17.9
Ganun yung reaksyon nila.
16:19.9
Si pastor nag-ano, ganoon.
16:22.7
Pero wala akong kamali-mali.
16:24.1
Relax na, relax ako doon, diba?
16:26.7
Silang nagkakagulopin.
16:28.6
Repray over, ganyan.
16:31.6
pag nagising po siya,
16:32.7
gulay na lang siya.
16:34.7
Hindi po siya makakalakan,
16:37.9
Makinan na lang yung bubukay sa kanya.
16:40.5
Kasi matagal siyang walang oxygen,
16:43.3
So, sinabihan na nila yung kapatid ko.
16:44.8
Hanggat tumitibok yung puso nung kuya ko,
16:48.0
ilalaban namin yan.
16:51.4
I was days in the ICU.
16:53.8
Then siguro after three days,
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dumilit akong normal na ako.
16:59.3
Pero may amnesia ako.
17:01.4
Hindi ko naalala kahit anong nangyari.
17:03.4
Basta ang naalala ko, isang araw,
17:05.6
siguro last week ko sa ospital,
17:08.6
Tapos yung pagdilat ko ng mata ko,
17:10.8
naalala ko lahat.
17:12.5
As in, pagdilat ko ng mata ko,
17:16.6
Kasi naalala mo na?
17:17.9
Kasi naalala ko, parang,
17:19.4
naku, nagginawa ko to, ganito.
17:20.9
Nag-suicide ka, ganon.
17:21.9
Nag-suicide ako, hiyang-hiya ako.
17:23.9
Sobrang kong hiya noon, Toni.
17:25.6
Habang umiiyak ako sa nakaswero ko,
17:28.6
alam ko may tali pa ako.
17:31.1
Kasi pag-suicide,
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lahat na nakatali ang kamay mo
17:34.3
para hindi ka magsasaktan yung sarili mo.
17:37.8
I was already speaking to God.
17:39.5
Sabi ko, God, sorry, sorry.
17:41.7
Sorry sa ginawa ko.
17:42.7
Pero tinatanong ko rin si God.
17:44.9
And the suicidal me was conversing with God.
17:48.4
And I was telling God,
17:49.9
na hindi mo pa ako kinuha?
17:52.2
Kasi pakiramdam ko,
17:53.8
kung, kung babubuhay ako,
17:57.2
tapos ang bit-bit kong kwento, ganito.
18:01.5
Nakahiya kita, Lord.
18:03.4
Napahiya ako, pamilya ko.
18:04.8
Napahiya ako, sarili ko.
18:06.2
Sana kinuha mo na lang ako.
18:08.0
Nagpa-pray ako kay Lord.
18:09.2
Sabi ni Lord sa akin,
18:10.9
hindi, binuhay kita for a reason.
18:12.9
Sabi ko, Lord, hindi ko kita yung reason.
18:15.6
Kasi ibig sabihin nito, tanggal ako.
18:17.9
Hindi ako pastor-in-training
18:19.6
dahil sa ginawa ko.
18:21.1
Napahiya ako yung buong church
18:23.7
dahil sa ginawa ko.
18:25.1
Napahiya ako yung pamilya ko
18:26.7
dahil sa ginawa ko.
18:27.9
Sirang-sira tayo, Lord.
18:29.1
Natanggal ka ba talaga?
18:30.2
Tinanggal ako sa pagiging pastor-in-training.
18:33.1
Noong time na yun?
18:33.7
Noong time na yun.
18:34.7
Tapos ang ginawa,
18:35.9
yung senior pastor namin,
18:37.4
si Pastor Peter Tanchi,
18:39.1
sabi niya sa akin,
18:40.9
oh why don't you work here?
18:44.2
Eventually, kinuha niya ako mag-assist sa kanya.
18:47.1
Ang trabaho ko, Toni,
18:48.4
with all the achievements that I had in Advertising.
18:51.7
Sumakom laude, ganyan.
18:52.9
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
18:54.3
Ang naging trabaho ko para sa boss ko,
18:56.0
dahil nga wala pa akong tamang...
18:59.8
Ang naging trabaho ko ay tagakuha ng tsaa.
19:05.7
dapat perfect yung tsaa.
19:09.0
dati naman ang galing-galing ko ha.
19:11.4
Ngayon, tagakuha lang ako.
19:14.2
Lord, titiisin ko.
19:16.4
kung binuhay mo ko,
19:18.9
at nilagay mo ko dito,
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ibig sabihin gagamitin mo.
19:23.4
So Lord, kahit di ko naiintindihan,
19:26.2
kahit Lord, parang pakiramdam ko,
19:31.5
Kasi para sa akin,
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gamitin mo na ako, Lord.
19:34.5
Sayang naman yung life extended,
19:38.6
So kung magtitimpla ako ng tsaa,
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gagawa ko ng pinakmasarap na tsaa.
19:44.6
Magbubuhat ako ng bag,
19:45.9
bubuhating ko lahat ng bag.
19:47.6
So doon, doon pina-experience sa akin ni Lord na
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we are all broken people.
19:54.3
So you don't stand there thinking
19:57.2
you're above someone else.
19:59.0
Lahat tayo basag.
20:01.1
So sabi ko, Lord,
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tatanggapin ko tong kwentong to na
20:04.3
basag ako, sira ako.
20:06.0
Kasi broken vessels eh.
20:08.0
Diba yun yung goal?
20:09.3
God uses broken vessels.
20:12.5
ah, ganyang stories.
20:14.9
Parang lumabas lalo yung grace ni God.
20:17.8
So wala kang ipagmamalaki.
20:19.3
Wala kang pagmamalaki.
20:20.1
Alam mong lahat nang meron ka,
20:21.9
galing lang sa Kanyang.
20:23.1
Pinahiram lang sa iyo.
20:26.4
Ganun nga kaganda yung story.
20:28.0
When He uses you,
20:29.5
He uses the brokenness.
20:31.2
Diba, for His glory.
20:35.8
Si Claire naman kasama natin
20:38.4
kasi siya yung last na nag-message
20:42.7
before he committed that last suicide.
20:45.1
That really changed his life.
20:46.5
Ang nangyari nun was
20:49.2
Sakit yung mga sinasabi ko sa Kanya.
20:51.3
Tinatayan ko siya ng phone.
20:52.9
Ang huling sabi ko,
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okay, I'm coming home the next day.
20:58.4
And then let's talk.
21:00.6
let's not talk muna.
21:02.2
So I turned off my phone
21:05.4
And then after that,
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the next day when I woke up,
21:10.1
pagtingin ko sa phone ko,
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I got a text at 3 a.m.
21:14.8
I love you, Claire.
21:18.0
Ano na-feel mo nakuha mo yun?
21:20.6
Kala ko hindi lang siya makatulog
21:22.5
kasi ga-away kami.
21:24.8
Wala ka na-feel na parang may maligit?
21:27.4
Kasi ang understanding ko,
21:28.6
magkikita naman tayo later.
21:30.7
So punta ko airport, ganyan.
21:34.3
walang mga 8 o'clock, 9, 10.
21:37.1
Sabi ko, walang text ah.
21:40.7
Yes, I was calling him.
21:42.6
He wasn't answering.
21:44.8
And then maya, maya,
21:46.0
a friend of mine from church called me.
21:48.6
And then she broke the news to me.
21:51.5
Tapos nung time na yun,
21:53.8
iyak na lang ako ng iyak.
21:55.1
From Singapore to Philippines.
21:57.8
I was just crying.
22:00.0
Iba rin yung guilt, diba?
22:01.4
Iba yung sadness.
22:03.0
Iba rin yung shocks, baka kasalanan ko.
22:06.2
Yung last kong text, diba?
22:08.2
And then, when I went to the hospital,
22:11.3
nabangan ko siya.
22:12.7
Nabantayan ko siya sa ICU.
22:16.4
they could have opted for me to not be there anymore.
22:21.4
Pero parang nakakahelp daw yung voice
22:27.1
So kinakausap-kausap ko siya.
22:30.4
Oo, while he was sleeping.
22:33.4
Ni-iyak ko lahat.
22:34.7
Ni-iyak ko lahat.
22:36.0
And then, three days after,
22:40.8
Nakilala ka niya?
22:42.8
Hindi mo siya nakilala?
22:46.2
Para pala to yung amnesia girl talaga.
22:48.8
Parang idol kay ata namin.
22:50.3
Hindi, kasi gano'n naman yung story ni John Lloyd.
22:52.7
Dun sa'yo yung bumising, hindi na niya ako kilala.
22:55.4
Dun sa'yo yung naospital, sabi ko,
22:57.2
ah, hindi na niya ako kilala.
22:58.9
Sa'yo yung naging totoong amnesia, eh.
23:01.2
So gano'n, hindi ka talaga...
23:02.3
Hindi. Tapos atingin ko pa sa kanya,
23:04.7
siya yung girlfriend ko nung college.
23:08.1
So tiniis din niya yun.
23:09.9
Pero siyempre, alam niyang hindi siya yung naaalala ko.
23:13.7
Kaano patagal naglast yun?
23:15.7
I think that went on for...
23:18.8
four months? Five months.
23:22.0
paano nag-mend yung relationship after that incident?
23:25.0
Paano nag-heal dun?
23:26.5
Eventually, kami na yung nag-usap.
23:28.3
At that time, I was taking medications.
23:30.9
So part of the read ng doktor sa akin
23:35.5
is kailangan i-manage
23:37.8
kasi may tendency ako to be bipolar.
23:40.4
Pinag-usapan namin yun.
23:41.7
Ito yung estado ko.
23:43.5
Paano ang relationship natin?
23:46.0
We had to draw certain lines.
23:50.2
pag napapansin mo akong ganito,
23:52.0
huwag mo akong babyhin.
23:53.4
And she took it upon herself.
23:55.3
So may mga times na during the relationship,
23:58.7
parang kapag nagdadrama ko
24:01.6
or nag-threaten ako na magsusuicide ako
24:04.6
or ibabagga ako yung car ko,
24:06.8
bababaan niya ako ng phone.
24:09.1
Siyempre, ang concern niya,
24:10.6
hala, paano kung ituloy nga?
24:12.6
Pero titiisin niya para hindi ma-baby yung habit ko
24:16.0
of threatening myself to get what I want.
24:19.3
To this day, ba may ganun tendency ka pa rin?
24:23.7
Now that you're married,
24:24.8
may fear ba on how you will raise your kids?
24:27.7
Siguro, one concern is yung
24:30.5
it can be generational.
24:34.4
In a way, hindi lang siya spiritual sense.
24:37.7
The environment itself.
24:39.7
Because you grew up like this.
24:41.7
Most likely, you will do the same
24:44.9
to the next generation.
24:50.0
hindi kami pwedeng mag-away sa harap ng bata.
24:53.6
Kasi pag nakikita ng bata na nag-aaway yung parents,
24:56.8
pakiramdam niya, broken na tao siya.
24:59.5
Kasi yun ang na-feel mo?
25:00.6
Ganun ako lumaki.
25:01.7
Kailangan, we're always on a united front
25:04.8
pagdating sa bata.
25:06.3
One mistake na hindi mo gagawin sa anak mo, tingin mo?
25:09.1
Kung magka-anak kami,
25:10.1
hindi ko paparamdam sa kanya na
25:12.5
kailangan niyang i-validate yung sarili niya.
25:15.2
Kailangan maramdaman niya na mahal ko siya.
25:17.7
kahit anong mangyari sa kanya,
25:19.4
kahit anong gustuhin niya sa buhay niya,
25:22.3
basta ang stand ko,
25:24.7
piliin mo si Lord palagi.
25:26.7
Doon ka lang. Doon ka lang.
25:27.9
Kasi kapag kay Lord ka,
25:29.8
kahit anong mangyari sa buhay mo,
25:31.0
hindi ka niya papabayaan.
25:32.3
So what do you want people to get from your story?
25:36.2
When you share it.
25:38.2
Sa akin, I'm always for revival.
25:42.1
Yun yung parang heart mission ko.
25:44.1
Revival of hearts.
25:45.9
Yung umabot ka na sa puntong walang-wala kang pag-asa.
25:49.0
Yung umabot ka na sa punto na talagang feeling mo,
25:52.5
ano ka na, sirang-sira ka na.
25:55.9
Gusto ko, when they look at my life,
25:58.4
they will see na,
25:59.5
grabe, kinaya pa.
26:01.7
Kinaya pang bumangon.
26:03.4
After seven attempts.
26:05.6
Ginusto pang mabuhay.
26:07.1
Nagpakasal pa, diba?
26:09.3
Living with judgment also.
26:10.8
Living with judgment.
26:11.8
Minsan, nagpipreach ako.
26:13.4
Tapos pagka-preach ko ng Sunday,
26:16.4
may mag-PPM sa akin.
26:19.2
Tapos yung sasabihin...
26:20.5
Ibabalik yung dati.
26:21.5
Ibabalik yung dati.
26:22.9
Sa akin, ang tinatakbuhan kong memory verse sa Maikai.
26:27.6
Rejoice not over me,
26:34.7
So, hindi yun ang katapusan ng kwento ko.
26:37.6
Hindi doon nagtatapos yun.
26:39.2
Ang Diyos lang ang pwedeng magsabi kung kailan tapos ang kwento ko.
26:42.7
So, hanggat buhay ako ngayon,
26:44.8
hanggat buhay ako at ngayon magkatuwang kami ni Claire,
26:47.8
while we're still alive,
26:49.1
while we're living this life for God,
26:52.4
whatever the story is
26:54.7
sa buhay naming mag-asawa,
26:56.1
sa buhay naming individual,
26:57.9
puturo ko ang tao sa Diyos.
26:60.0
Kasi doon ko lang malalaman na
27:02.9
may purpose lahat ako.
27:04.4
Yung pinagdaanan ko.
27:06.2
May matutulungan akong iba.
