00:30.0
Tuwing maalala kita, naalala ko yung scene natin
00:46.9
na inabot tayo ng dalawang araw.
00:51.0
Tapos ayokang i-release ka.
00:52.7
May asap dance fraud ka.
00:57.4
ang lungkot-lungkot siguro ng buhay mo.
01:03.1
aabot ba ako sa aap sa...
01:05.1
Diba? Habang gumagawa ng heavy scene.
01:07.4
Pero, naitawid natin.
01:09.5
Tsaka maganda yung mga...
01:10.9
Hindi. Hindi kayo makakalimutan si Isa kasi
01:13.2
naalala ko noon sinabi sa akin ni Inang,
01:16.7
Yan yung pa-multi-multi-media.
01:18.6
Yan lang naman kaya mong gawin.
01:21.2
Hindi mo kaya mag-drama.
01:22.7
Tapos nakita ko yung mukha mo.
01:27.7
Nagpapakita ka ng support ng mukha mo.
01:30.0
Ay, hindi ko hurt.
01:31.0
Ina-motivate ka lang ni Inang.
01:32.7
Ang hirap kasi, diba?
01:34.1
Ang hirap para marinig.
01:36.1
Pero, they're doing everything for us.
01:38.9
To get the emotion.
01:40.1
Kasi lahat ng camera nandito.
01:41.9
Pero ikaw, nakita ko yung support mo ng...
01:44.3
Siguro nakita mo na na-affect ako.
01:47.6
Mas sakit ako yung nasasaktan eh.
01:49.6
Pero pagbalik nung camera sa'yo,
01:51.3
mas malalayong sinabi sa'yo ni Inang.
01:53.4
Yung scene na papahid ka ng tissue,
01:56.6
pero kailangan hindi magusot yung mukha mo.
02:00.3
Yung kitang-kitang hurt ka on the inside,
02:02.7
pero hindi magugusot ang mukha mo.
02:04.4
Ang sinabi niya nun,
02:06.9
Wala kang mami and daddy.
02:10.9
gumanyan ka sa kanya.
02:14.6
Tapos, pinigilan ko.
02:16.2
Tapos, sabi ni Inang,
02:18.5
Tapos, narinig ko si Inang,
02:21.2
Tapos, sinabi niya,
02:24.5
Ang lungkot siguro ng buhay mo.
02:28.4
ang lungkot maging ulila.
02:30.4
Yan yung sinabi niya sa'yo.
02:31.9
I just know that she always whispers things.
02:34.8
Pero sa akin, parang,
02:38.7
it's never personal.
02:40.2
Of course, she's using personal details, right?
02:46.2
Pero naalala ko kasi,
02:47.2
sabay tayo nagsimula sa GMA.
02:49.3
Nauna ka pa sa akin.
02:50.3
Nauna lang ako na siguro noong two years.
02:53.1
Pero, hindi kita makakalimutan,
02:54.9
kasi before it bulaga.
02:58.1
Basta mistress, hermanas.
03:01.4
Tapos, parang sinasabi nila na,
03:03.6
naririnig ko na yung pangalan mo,
03:05.8
yung nag-dub niyan.
03:07.5
nag-commercial ka na ba noon?
03:08.5
Una-una yung commercial.
03:09.1
Una-una yung commercial.
03:11.3
Kung Mawawala Ka,
03:12.7
Mistress, Hermanas,
03:15.3
Kung Mawawala Ka.
03:18.5
Pogi and, ano, sunshine.
03:21.2
Pero, paano ka napasok sa showbiz?
03:24.0
Bata ako, gusto ko talaga.
03:25.4
Dahil si daddy, diba,
03:27.3
Tapos, nag-artista ako for a bit.
03:30.7
I wanted to be in that entertainment.
03:33.0
I did stuff with Sina Sunshine,
03:37.0
when I was getting bigger,
03:38.5
maybe I was getting self-conscious
03:40.7
pag hindi ko nakukuha yung role.
03:44.1
And maybe things at home
03:45.0
weren't so great.
03:48.5
And then, I just got bigger and bigger.
03:50.8
syempre, patuloy pa rin siya,
03:51.9
variety show, diba?
03:53.1
Lagi lang akong kasama ni daddy.
03:54.9
Behind the scenes.
03:56.0
Lagi ako nakatingin nun.
03:57.3
Yung reason why you got bigger is because
03:59.4
you went through something.
04:01.6
Hindi naman yun, diba?
04:02.6
Parang naging resort mo was eating.
04:05.7
Because as a child,
04:07.0
things weren't great at home.
04:10.2
So, my mom was going through her
04:12.5
mental health condition
04:16.6
And they split up, I think,
04:18.3
when I was in third grade,
04:20.9
But second grade, medyo,
04:23.0
may magulo sa bahay.
04:25.0
So, I think food became my best friend.
04:28.2
And daddy loved to eat.
04:29.9
Mayinig din talaga siya kumain.
04:31.1
So, parang may lifestyle plus
04:33.2
situation at home,
04:35.3
the environment at home.
04:36.8
Ano yung grade school?
04:37.7
Grade school hanggang high school.
04:39.6
Hanggang third year high school.
04:41.1
You found comfort sa pagkain?
04:43.5
When you're going through something?
04:45.1
Pero, when they separated,
04:46.4
you stayed with your dad?
04:48.1
I initially was with my dad,
04:50.2
then I was with my mom,
04:51.4
and then I was kind of back and forth.
04:54.0
But college with my mom.
04:56.2
Yeah, high school was mostly with my dad.
04:57.9
So, I was with my mom.
04:58.2
Kaya napanood ko yung interview mo.
04:59.7
Or this talk that you had with She Talks Asia?
05:02.4
Yes, the one with Sarah.
05:05.1
first time kong narinig yung story mo
05:07.7
about your mother,
05:09.0
hindi ka pa mami nun
05:09.8
when you had that interview.
05:12.2
Ang daming nabago since then.
05:16.2
mas naiintindihan mo yung mami mo ngayon.
05:19.5
Now that you're a mom.
05:21.8
Kasi, during that time,
05:25.1
hindi pa uso yung mental health eh.
05:27.0
But she was going through it.
05:28.2
And she was talking about it.
05:29.9
Look at how beautiful that woman was.
05:33.0
And she was talking about her.
05:34.8
She was reading up on it.
05:36.9
She talked about it a lot.
05:38.4
From the time I was young,
05:40.6
she was always going to her therapist.
05:43.3
She only had a few people
05:44.7
she could talk to about it.
05:47.8
yung kaalaman natin.
05:49.5
Hindi ganitong ka-open?
05:51.4
Kasi ngayon marami ng resources.
05:53.1
Sa YouTube, you can watch.
05:56.7
Celebrities are open
05:57.7
to talk about it.
05:58.2
Of the struggles,
06:00.7
be it whatever you may call it,
06:04.1
She wanted to find her tribe,
06:08.4
Wala, it just didn't happen.
06:11.2
That's one of the reasons
06:12.2
why I was so scared
06:19.1
I would end up like her.
06:24.4
something would happen
06:27.5
there's this thing
06:28.0
there's this button na parang
06:31.0
maybe something will happen to me
06:37.0
I was scared that
06:40.0
what I went through
06:42.0
my child may go through.
06:44.0
You know, all these fears.
06:46.0
And what I realized is
06:47.0
sabi nga ni Patti,
06:50.0
In love, there is no fear.
06:52.0
But I was operating from a place of fear
06:55.0
for the longest time.
06:56.0
And you know, nung nabuntis ako,
06:57.0
and then sabi nga ni Patty,
07:00.8
So much love resides in me.
07:03.8
I didn't even know existed before.
07:08.8
Love trumps fear.
07:10.8
Anong pinaka-vivid memory mo
07:14.8
I have good memories of eating with her.
07:18.8
Kasi she would take me to voice class.
07:23.8
kung natuloy yun,
07:27.8
Voice class and piano class.
07:30.8
And then we would eat before class.
07:32.8
Yun, yun yung mga nalang.
07:33.8
The usual mother and daughter relationship.
07:36.8
There were a lot of really good times.
07:38.8
Ano yung pinaka-vivid memory mo
07:40.8
ng bad episode niya?
07:42.8
To see her break down
07:44.8
and then lock herself in a room
07:46.8
for quite some time.
07:48.8
So it was really a depression.
07:50.8
So now, di ba, syempre,
07:51.8
I don't know if you felt this,
07:53.8
after I gave birth,
07:54.8
there were tough moments.
07:59.8
kasanay ako sa big emotions.
08:01.8
this is quite normal.
08:03.8
It's not normal-normal,
08:04.8
but I would feel, of course,
08:06.8
days na nagdi-dip.
08:07.8
Pero kay mama ko,
08:10.8
extended periods of time yan.
08:14.8
Sa kwarto lang siya?
08:15.8
Anong nangyayari yun?
08:19.8
From grade school to high school.
08:20.8
High school, she was quite,
08:21.8
a bit more mellow na.
08:23.8
Kasi nagpunta na siya ng Amerika,
08:26.8
bipolar disorder.
08:27.8
Binigyan na siya ng antidepressants.
08:29.8
So paano mo yung na-handle yun
08:32.8
Pag nakikita mong,
08:33.8
parang hindi si mami si mami ngayon.
08:35.8
Kasi may day na biglang ma-iisip mo,
08:36.8
hindi siya si mami ngayon.
08:38.8
Something took over her.
08:40.8
Parang nasanay din ako at some point.
08:43.8
And it became exhausting at some point.
08:49.8
There was a lot of shame
08:51.8
because I couldn't understand her.
08:55.8
medyo nag-rebellize.
08:56.8
Kasi may resentment.
08:57.8
Kasi hindi siya talaga ma-intindihan eh.
08:59.8
Hindi mo ma-intindihan eh.
09:00.8
Walang nakapag-explain sa'yo.
09:02.8
And even if she tried to,
09:06.8
I have a breakdown.
09:07.8
But it leads to breakthroughs.
09:10.8
but I have to process it.
09:12.8
Like, what triggered me.
09:13.8
But then I realized,
09:15.8
this is what my mom went through.
09:16.8
And this is just like,
09:17.8
wala pa sa kalingkingan na pinagdaanan niya.
09:22.8
Then the healing happens.
09:24.8
What changed sa'yo?
09:25.8
What changed sa'yo ngayon
09:26.8
now that you're a mother?
09:30.8
A lot has changed.
09:32.8
Being intentional, diba?
09:34.8
With your energy, your choices.
09:41.8
Nakakahappy ng heart, no?
09:42.8
Yung mga picture mo nga
09:43.8
pag nakikita ko eh.
09:44.8
Actually, thank you
09:45.8
ang message mo ako.
09:46.8
Oo, kasi parang...
09:48.8
It is such a gift,
09:51.8
to be called a mother.
09:55.8
To bring forth life
09:58.8
and to nurture that human being.
10:00.8
Actually, before I had Dea,
10:02.8
nandun na ako sa mga pa-let go na.
10:04.8
Yung better place.
10:06.8
Life begins at 40.
10:07.8
Mas naiitindihan mo na yun.
10:10.8
Kumakalma ka ng 40.
10:15.8
And mas double kalma pa.
10:17.8
Dahil mayroon pang-anak ngayon.
10:23.8
yung drive ko dati,
10:24.8
parang ang linaw-linaw lang.
10:26.8
I think one of the best things
10:28.8
and God has given me
10:31.8
is the gift of clarity.
10:35.8
Ngayon pa lang narinig yun.
10:38.8
Kasi North Star ko siya.
10:39.8
So yung, you're wise.
10:41.8
It's always connected to her.
10:45.8
Am I gonna do a teleserye?
10:47.8
Let's say ganyan.
10:49.8
Kasi people pleaser ako eh.
10:51.8
Ang hirap mag-know.
10:52.8
Ang hirap mag-know.
10:55.8
mas nagkakalakas ng loob akong mag-know.
10:59.8
not just to use her as an excuse
11:04.8
Is this worth spending time here?
11:06.8
Than being with my daughter?
11:08.8
Taking me away from my daughter.
11:10.8
So kung hindi worth it yun,
11:11.8
hindi ko yung kinukonsider dati.
11:13.8
Dati pag ginahin ko,
11:19.8
I'm gonna miss bath time.
11:21.8
Tapos lahat ina-adjust mo.
11:22.8
So pati may short-term, mid-term, and long-term stuff kang iniisipin,
11:28.8
it's all directed to her.
11:31.8
Klaro din na in terms of marriage.
11:34.8
Well, sa amin ni Ben, yung...
11:36.8
It can make or break the marriage.
11:38.8
It can make or break the marriage.
11:43.8
napakalaking biyaya ni Dea sa amin.
11:46.8
Kasi more than 10 years na kami magkasama na dumating siya.
11:50.8
So, and she was not planned.
11:57.8
Hindi niyo pina-planned?
12:00.8
Ang kapal na mukha ako.
12:14.8
God's great plan.
12:15.8
Ang dami din namin pinagdaanan.
12:16.8
I briefly posted about it.
12:19.8
Yeah, the toxoplasmosis.
12:20.8
Ano yung toxoplasmosis?
12:21.8
So, toxoplasmosis is actually a parasite.
12:22.8
And it's usually the carriers are cats.
12:23.8
Sa pusa siya nakukuha?
12:28.8
Because from the cat feces, cross-contamination can happen.
12:29.8
So you can get it from raw meat, raw vegetables, sabi nga nila even water.
12:30.8
I was entering my fourth month nung nalaman ko to.
12:32.8
And we don't have treatments in the Philippines.
12:34.8
So, I don't know.
12:45.8
So, imagine God's grace na I happen to be there, have access na to extensive testing
12:58.0
and to the medication that was necessary para to make sure that, you know, that the baby
13:07.7
The baby is safe.
13:08.7
Bakit pag may toxoplasmosis ka, anong possible na pwede mangyari?
13:14.2
Common daw is visual impairment.
13:16.7
So, they were always monitoring her brain development.
13:20.0
Of course, the worst case is that you may lose the child.
13:24.0
Gusto ko nang sinabi yung tatlong yun.
13:27.0
Nasa Switzerland ako.
13:29.0
Nagsaset yung sun.
13:30.0
Nag-zoom kami dun.
13:32.0
Tapos, sinabi niya yun.
13:33.0
Yung itsura ko talaga yung...
13:34.0
Worst nightmare ng...
13:35.0
Gee, ako pupoyog.
13:37.0
First time kong maramdaman yung primal urge to fight.
13:45.0
So, I just wanted to fight in a way that I've never wanted to before.
13:49.4
Because God gave her to us eh.
13:51.9
Yung it was not planned.
13:52.9
She was given to us.
13:55.1
Sabi ko, hindi na.
13:57.1
Hindi hahayaan ng Panginoon to.
13:58.9
Sabi ko, ilalaban natin to.
14:02.3
Para sa umpisa palang, sabi ko pinatibay na tayo agad.
14:05.3
So, I always felt so connected with Deia.
14:07.8
To think na, di ba, you were living in fear.
14:11.7
Tapos nangyari pa yun.
14:13.7
Nag-spike up na lahat ng fear.
14:15.0
Pero, you know, I was fearful but I just had so much love for this child inside me.
14:23.3
Kaya nga, yung takot ko dati na baka mamaya maglumabas ngayon.
14:27.9
Kasi you'll hear stories, right?
14:30.0
You know, these were things that I was afraid of.
14:33.0
So, yun actually, yung totoo yun, yung mga pinagdadaanan ng babae, yung postpartum.
14:37.1
Hindi mo ma-explain yan but it's a feeling inside na yan ang mga nilalabanan ng babae.
14:43.3
O, yung inis ko kay Ben.
14:46.1
Kasi tuloy ang buhay niya.
14:48.5
Postpartum range.
14:50.5
Oo, husband hate.
14:52.0
May nakakatawa si Ben.
14:53.4
Parang naalala ko.
14:55.1
I saw him looking at himself in the mirror.
14:57.8
Sabi ko, are you pleased with yourself?
14:59.8
Do you like the way you look?
15:02.5
Yung inis na inis ka dahil...
15:05.2
Walang nabago sa kanya.
15:06.6
Tapos tuloy ang buhay mo.
15:09.7
Walang nasira, walang nadamage, walang lumaki, walang lumobo.
15:13.8
Serte ko din, actually, now that, you know, now that I'm here and when I think about it,
15:19.3
all my struggles with my body that I had to deal with in the past so early on in life,
15:24.8
my stretch marks, all these things, my loose skin,
15:30.0
now that, you know, after I gave birth,
15:32.7
girl, wala namang dumagdag na stretch marks.
15:34.8
Kasi ang dami ko, nakota na daw ako sa amin ni Lord.
15:37.3
Nagba-back to fitness ka na.
15:38.7
Matagal na, right?
15:39.9
On the fifth week, I started walking.
15:43.3
Working out right away.
15:45.2
Celestine, hindi ako pwede hindi mag-work out.
15:47.4
Ikaw, babaliw ko din yan.
15:49.1
Kasi I'm hardwired like that.
15:52.0
Sana'y ka na nag-work.
15:53.3
And admittedly, yes, maybe it's stemming from a place of,
15:56.4
I wanna lose weight,
15:57.4
but it's no longer yung kasingigil ko dati.
16:00.7
So, dati, lahat ng klase ng fasting,
16:04.4
kasi para siyong mga shortcut,
16:06.2
but you know what I realized?
16:07.3
It actually affects my hormones.
16:09.3
And then, nung nag-pandemic, diba, after I got COVID,
16:13.3
I stopped doing those things.
16:14.9
Ikaw yung isa sa mga una.
16:16.6
Naalala mo lahat kami nag-text sa'yo.
16:19.0
Thank you so much.
16:20.6
The prayers when I needed it most.
16:24.2
Na-feel ko naman yung love ng napakaraming tao.
16:26.8
Sabi ko nga, what a gift na...
16:29.8
Ang dami nag-pray sa'yo.
16:30.6
Ang dami nag-pray.
16:31.4
And then, I acknowledge that na, you know,
16:34.9
it was really 50-50 for me.
16:38.2
Like, we weren't sure.
16:39.4
Yeah, we weren't sure where it was gonna go.
16:41.8
Kasi pagdating ko ng ospital,
16:43.7
sabi nga nung doktor,
16:45.0
siguro if you came in two more days after this,
16:47.2
I don't know what we could have done for you.
16:49.8
I was really in a bad shape.
16:54.6
So, karating ako ng ospital Friday.
16:56.8
So, akala ko, okay na ako.
16:58.0
Kasi nasa ospital ako, nalagyan ako oxygen.
17:00.5
Sunday, bumagsak yung oxygen levels ko.
17:03.7
So, dapat i-wheel out na ako going to the ICU.
17:07.2
And then, a family friend of ours,
17:11.1
who is a doctor at the hospital,
17:13.7
said, I don't think it is the wisest decision
17:16.4
to put her in the ICU.
17:18.1
Take her to my unit, parang mas mabantayan.
17:21.9
And, true enough, you know,
17:23.6
I did well from that time on.
17:26.5
Ang dami nang na-endure ng body mo.
17:29.7
Ang dami ng battle scars.
17:32.1
Ang daming na-survive.
17:35.4
You are a survivor.
17:39.2
Of many things, yes.
17:40.1
That people don't know.
17:41.4
Emotionally, physically.
17:46.9
Yeah, because you fight.
17:49.2
It makes you stronger.
17:51.1
It has made me stronger.
17:52.6
It has grounded me.
17:54.4
These trials are just an opportunity for me
17:57.7
to get to know myself more
17:59.1
and to get closer to the higher power, to God.
18:01.8
So, everything is just part of my evolution.
18:07.8
Ano yung best thing about being a mother now?
18:18.2
I think, to be honest,
18:21.3
I'm also amazed na narating ko.
18:25.4
I knew that this is exactly what I needed
18:28.0
to be a little more selfless.
18:31.8
Kasi dati, admittedly, selfish eh.
18:36.0
Ngayon, best part yung
18:38.2
just every waking moment with her.
18:45.5
it's just filled with hope.
18:51.4
I'll give you a best part.
18:52.6
I see my parents in her.
18:55.3
She has Lito Calzado energy in her.
18:57.7
And so many people see it
19:01.1
And hindi ko alam kung ano exactly yung energy na yun.
19:06.4
Ramdam mo yung ancestry,
19:09.7
Ramdam mo that she is part of you.
19:13.3
And of course, of my husband, Ben,
19:16.3
and all his ancestors.
19:18.3
And just looking beyond, no?
19:21.3
Which is what the future holds for her.
19:23.3
I don't know if you read this.
19:27.3
one day, when your child grows up,
19:32.3
he or she will figure out
19:34.3
the kind of person that you are.
19:36.3
And you have to make sure
19:38.3
when that day comes,
19:39.3
they'll be proud of you.
19:41.3
They'll be proud of you.
19:42.3
I'm doing my best.
19:43.3
What do you want her to discover about you
19:47.3
when she's old enough?
19:49.3
That my mama was perfectly imperfect.
19:52.3
And I think that will take a load off of her shoulder.
19:55.3
Don't want her to feel so pressured to
19:58.3
have to follow my footsteps.
20:01.3
I just want her to know that
20:03.3
I am a human being and she is a human being.
20:06.3
We are alike in that way.
20:08.3
Of course, would love for her to be proud of who I am.
20:13.3
And not just what I've done.
20:15.3
But more importantly,
20:17.3
sana how I tried my best
20:21.3
to treat others with love.
20:25.3
Sana how I made her feel
20:28.3
or how I make her feel everyday
20:30.3
and how I tried my best to make others feel loved.
20:33.3
Kasi sa akin, it's very important to me.
20:43.3
Thank you for watching!
