01:15.3
Yeah, like I have some measures to help maintain that.
01:20.5
Like, for example, I get tested very often.
01:23.9
And yun nga, I try to eat healthy and maintain my body.
01:27.0
Kasi very physical labor yung ginagawa.
01:29.8
Di ba? Kasi meron silang sinasabi na when two people do it,
01:35.7
it's like yung dalawang paper, tapos lagyan mo ng paste.
01:39.9
And then once you tear it apart, may latak.
01:43.3
May latak. A part of that person stays with you.
01:46.4
Yun daw ang having sex or doing it with someone.
01:51.1
So paano yun in your case?
01:53.4
How do you separate the physical and the emotional connection?
02:01.4
I think naman na definitely part yun ng sex work.
02:06.0
Kasi another term for sex work that we can use is companionship work.
02:10.5
Kasi hindi lang naman sex ang binibenta namin or pinoprovide namin for customers.
02:16.0
It's mostly companionship.
02:17.7
Kasi these people, because of the lack of intimacy that they get,
02:21.5
they will seek sex work providers.
02:24.3
And I just want to say na part yung emotional involvement.
02:28.2
You have to empathize with.
02:29.8
The loneliness that your clients feel.
02:32.1
Pero I believe naman na it's possible naman to compartmentalize and separate.
02:37.2
So paano ka naging sex worker and paano napasok sa porn industry?
02:41.5
Paano nag-start yan?
02:42.6
I started as an alter, as a member of the alter community.
02:46.5
Alter or community is?
02:48.0
It was this community filled with people who need to express themselves sexually.
02:54.7
There's that need for some people na parang I want to tell the world and live my truth
02:59.5
that I am a sexual person.
03:01.3
Some people need an outlet for that.
03:04.7
And at that time in my life, I felt like I needed that also.
03:08.0
So I was like, I want to join this community.
03:10.6
I want to be a part of it.
03:11.9
I want to make my own account, post my own nudes.
03:14.4
Kailan dumating yung you're paid to do it?
03:17.2
So yeah, like noong 2020, I didn't have a job.
03:21.3
I realized that this might be the best time for me to start monetizing the platform that I built.
03:28.5
So paano na monetize?
03:29.7
Noong una, nakapasok ako ng OnlyFans.
03:33.9
And then on Twitter, since I had 30,000 followers, I would just post on Twitter,
03:38.4
Hey, if you want more content, go on OnlyFans.
03:41.0
So I was redirecting the traffic to where people can actually pay me for my content.
03:47.3
So that's how I started monetizing it.
03:49.6
Pero eventually, I left OnlyFans and then nag-start na akong mag-focus sa Pornhub.
03:53.6
So I would post my videos there and the more views that they get, the more money that I'll have for myself.
03:57.9
Wala nang day job?
03:59.5
Ito na talaga yung ginagawa mo.
04:00.9
Siguro the closest thing that I have to a day job would be my work for Viva and my work for GMA.
04:07.2
Yung sa TV, yeah.
04:09.8
But yeah, I think na I would consider my main source of income pa rin talaga as Pornhub and the adult content.
04:16.8
Sino yung mga kasama mo dun sa video?
04:19.0
Sometimes it's other content creators that I got connected to on Twitter.
04:25.0
How long do you see yourself doing it?
04:29.5
Um, kasi it's something that is really, really close to my heart.
04:35.2
It's something that I really enjoy doing.
04:37.5
And, you know, graduate ako ng Fine Arts.
04:40.7
And kasi may background talaga ako in art.
04:42.4
Even as a kid, I've always been creative.
04:45.4
I've always been into visual art.
04:47.2
So yung love ko for visual art and yung parang creative hunger na nafe-feel ko,
04:52.8
parang napupunan yun ng porn.
04:54.9
And making porn and making content, being on social media, like all of that,
04:59.5
like, really scratches my creative itch.
05:02.4
How does it make you feel when you watch the video?
05:05.9
Ako, personally, yun nga, masaya ako sa ginagawa ko eh.
05:09.1
And alam ko within myself na I have a lot of skills.
05:13.8
I can do so many things.
05:16.8
But I think sex is what I am best at.
05:20.4
Kasi I'm really in tune with my body.
05:22.6
Malakas yung empathy ko.
05:23.8
So I connect really well with my sexual partners.
05:29.5
I'm in a relationship with sex work and I don't see myself leaving it anytime soon because it's something that gives me a lot of joy.
05:38.0
Are you in a relationship ngayon?
05:39.7
No, and I'm not interested.
05:43.5
I just realized naman na over time, kasi I had one relationship to date in my life.
05:49.5
And that relationship failed.
05:51.8
And parang after the failure of that relationship, I realized that maybe it's not for me right now.
05:59.4
there's a lot of work and a lot of trauma that I have to unlearn within myself.
06:04.7
And I believe naman na hindi mo kaya magmahal kapag hindi mo mahal ang sarili mo.
06:08.7
And ako, nandun pa ako sa journey ko na yun.
06:11.1
Na minamahal mo yung sarili mo?
06:12.4
Learning to love myself and learning to really take care of myself and be kind to myself.
06:18.8
natutunan ko na if you hate yourself, if there's nothing but hate inside you for yourself, it will spill out eh.
06:24.8
It will affect your other relationships.
06:26.6
Dito muna tayo sa sarili ko.
06:28.7
pag ready na ako,
06:30.2
Maybe I'll be open to it in the future.
06:35.2
Wala pa yung relationship in the picture.
06:37.1
Ano ang goals ngayon?
06:39.2
Like, I want to get better at my job, especially now that I entered the mainstream entertainment industry.
06:44.1
I'm doing TV now and film.
06:47.2
focus muna ako kung paano,
06:48.4
paano pagalingin yung part ko na yun.
06:50.6
Kasi it's always been my dream to be
06:53.1
Yeah, an actress.
06:55.1
So, now na nang doon na siya,
06:56.5
andito na yung opportunity.
06:59.9
Gagalingan natin, di ba?
07:01.2
Kasi syempre, di ba, naniniwala tayo na
07:03.0
a big part of who we are today
07:04.5
is based on what happened to us in our childhood.
07:08.5
I think a big part of
07:10.4
the growth that I'm experiencing right now
07:14.3
is acknowledging that inner child
07:15.9
and honoring what that child has wanted
07:18.8
na hindi nabigay sa kanya.
07:20.1
Ano yung hindi na ibigay
07:21.6
dun sa young son?
07:24.1
she missed out on a lot of positive attention and reinforcement.
07:27.8
Because I came from a narcissistic household.
07:31.8
I learned quite recently na it's possible pala
07:35.3
for narcissists to gather and exist in the same family.
07:39.5
And ang nangyayari with narcissists is that
07:42.3
they feel terrible about themselves.
07:43.8
They want everyone around them to feel terrible as well.
07:46.8
So, ang nangyayari in narcissistic households
07:49.3
with narcissistic parents,
07:50.8
pinag-bully nila yung mga anak nila.
07:53.8
pangit ka, wala kang mararating.
07:55.8
You know, like yung ginagawa,
07:56.8
like all of your friends,
07:57.6
all of your decisions are wrong.
07:59.1
You don't know what's best for yourself.
08:00.6
I grew up hearing that every day.
08:03.6
Pinapagalitan ako, pinapahiya ako
08:06.1
in front of our guests.
08:07.6
Kukumpul-kumpul silang magkakapatid
08:09.6
and then they will talk.
08:13.1
Yeah, they would talk shit.
08:15.6
Ilang taong ka niyan pag ginagawa yun?
08:17.6
The earliest I can remember was five, eight.
08:20.6
Paano ka nila pag-usapan pag nandyan ka?
08:22.6
Like, they would make fun of my clothes.
08:25.6
They would make fun na malaki yung gilagid ko.
08:27.6
They would make fun na...
08:30.6
Yun yung pinakamasakit.
08:32.6
Na parang, nanay ka.
08:36.6
Nanay ka and then you're, ano?
08:40.6
I'll let you know.
08:41.6
Minsan para sa akin yan.
08:44.6
not supposed to tell your kid that.
08:46.6
Naniniwala talaga ako na for people
08:48.6
who grew up in narcissistic households
08:50.6
na their parents were their first bullies.
08:53.1
Narealize ko, like when I started visiting
08:55.6
my friends' houses,
08:56.6
I would stay over with them.
08:57.6
Nakikita ako na parang,
08:59.6
they're all treating each other
09:03.6
And I'm like, bakit hindi ganito sa bahay?
09:06.6
Bakit puro panlalaat yung naririnig ko?
09:08.6
So walang positive affirmation na?
09:11.6
Pero it was mostly negative.
09:13.6
Kasi yun yung tumatak sa akin eh.
09:15.6
Kung mostly positive yung nakuha ko,
09:17.6
bakit ako broken ngayon?
09:20.6
Bakit ako merong body dysmorphia issues?
09:23.6
Why do I hate myself so much?
09:25.6
Naniwala ko na mamamatay akong virgin
09:27.6
at walang nagmamahal
09:28.6
kasi araw-araw dinidiktik sa akin
09:30.6
that I don't deserve that
09:32.6
because I'm ugly.
09:33.6
So pag nakikita mo yung sarili mo sa salamin,
09:36.6
pangit na pangit ka noon?
09:38.6
I would see nothing that I would like.
09:42.6
Kasi nobody told me that
09:43.6
that's what you were supposed to do.
09:44.6
Lahat ng paniniwala ko about myself na pangit,
09:47.6
kailangan kong basagin
09:48.6
in order for me to move forward.
09:50.6
Napatawad mo na yung parents mo?
09:52.6
I'm open to that happening,
09:54.6
but they have to put in the work.
09:57.6
Because I put in the work
09:59.6
of trying to heal from the damage that they caused.
10:04.6
kaya ng mga tao to change.
10:06.6
And I know na kaya nila yun
10:08.6
if they just put in the work.
10:09.6
Pero hindi ko nakikita yung initiative na yun from them.
10:12.6
So bakit ko silang patatawarin
10:14.6
kung hindi pa nila pinagdadaanan yun?
10:16.6
Kailangan ko ng accountability from them.
10:20.6
Kasi you were abused verbally growing up.
10:23.6
Physically, you were abused.
10:25.6
Yes, merong moments na ganun.
10:27.6
But the physical abuse
10:29.6
wasn't as damaging or as prevalent
10:32.6
as the verbal abuse.
10:34.6
Yun yung talagang, I think, yung nakabreak sa akin.
10:37.6
In fairness naman to my parents,
10:38.6
I know na I've been talking shit about them.
10:41.6
But when it comes to academic achievements,
10:45.6
they really encouraged me to work on
10:48.6
the many talents that I was blessed with.
10:50.6
Kasi when I was a kid, I loved doing math.
10:56.6
And writing and drawing.
10:58.6
Like, I was able to do all of those things.
11:00.6
Pero in retrospect, I think na they were doing that
11:03.6
kasi it looks good for the family
11:05.6
pag meron silang gifted child.
11:08.6
Doon lang ako naka-experience ng positive reinforcement
11:11.6
pag nakikita ako na pinagmamayabang ako ng parents ko
11:16.6
because I was good for their image.
11:18.6
May physical abuse nung 8 years old?
11:21.6
But not from within my family.
11:25.6
When I told them kasi that this happened to me,
11:28.6
hindi sila naniwala eh.
11:29.6
Ano ba yung ginawa sa'yo?
11:31.6
I was touched in a way that made me feel...
11:35.6
Very inappropriate.
11:36.6
Na parang, naglalaro lang tayo.
11:40.6
Parang doon ko unang na-experience na
11:42.6
I don't have control over my body in this situation.
11:45.6
And then yeah, when I told my parents,
11:48.6
nung una, inacknowledge nila.
11:50.6
And then the subsequent times that I brought it up,
11:52.6
yun na, parang di naman nangyari yun eh.
11:55.6
Yun yung pinakamasakit.
11:56.6
Na parang they blamed it on my existing mental health issues.
12:01.6
Parang, ba't ka nagtatantrums?
12:03.6
Parang, why are you acting like na parang baliw?
12:10.6
Nilabel ka baliw?
12:11.6
Nilabel akong baliw.
12:12.6
They know the person who did that to me.
12:15.6
And they allowed that person to be part of their lives.
12:18.6
Drinking with that person, receiving him as a guest,
12:23.6
So, parang whenever they would do that,
12:26.6
I would feel betrayed.
12:27.6
As an adult, syempre, I would tell my parents na,
12:34.6
I don't like them to be around me.
12:35.6
I don't feel safe.
12:37.6
And then, one of the incidents where I brought it up,
12:40.6
that person was a guest in our house.
12:43.6
huwag ka nga mag-tantrums, nakakahiya sa kanya.
12:46.6
Tapos parang, I kept repeating it to them,
12:50.6
no, he did something to me.
12:52.6
And they were like, no, you're just imagining that.
12:55.6
That never happened.
12:57.6
Tapos magtataka sila, why?
12:59.6
Bakit ang dami-dami mong tinatago sa amin?
13:01.6
Bakit ka lagi nagsisinungaling about where you are and what's going on?
13:05.6
Hindi, kasi na-experience ko na kapag nagsasabi ako ng totoo,
13:09.6
So, of course, bilang bata, lalaki ka na nagsisinungaling
13:13.6
because all you want is not to get hurt,
13:15.6
is to save your ass.
13:18.6
Alam mo, parang...
13:19.6
Nag-build ka na lang ng facade mo na,
13:22.6
hindi niyo na ako masasaktan, malakas ako.
13:24.6
Kasi sobra na yung inner pain na dinil mo nung bata ka hanggang ngayon.
13:32.6
Pinagsabi na ba sa'yo kung gaano ka ka-strong?
13:34.6
O ikaw lang ang nakaka-realize nun sa sarili mo?
13:36.6
I think ano, like, the people around me,
13:39.6
like, hindi sila nagkukulang in telling me that.
13:41.6
And I have a habit of discrediting myself.
13:45.6
Of not giving myself enough credit
13:48.6
for what I've achieved, ganyan.
13:50.6
May slight impostor.
13:52.6
You don't deserve it.
13:54.6
Yeah. May slight impostor syndrome ako.
13:57.6
Maraduate siya sa UP with a degree in fine arts.
14:04.6
I learned eventually na parang hindi ko na maasahan yung magulang ko
14:09.6
to be the parents that I deserve.
14:13.6
As a child, it's now up to me to parent myself.
14:17.6
And that is the hardest thing that I've had to do for myself.
14:24.6
Maging magulang sa sarili mo.
14:25.6
Maging magulang sa sarili ko na if I needed anybody,
14:28.6
you know, hindi ko maaasahan yung magulang ko for money,
14:32.6
for emotional support, for validation.
14:34.6
No, I have to give that all to myself.
14:38.6
Wala nang sinong nagtuturo ng right and wrong.
14:42.6
Sinong nagka-guide?
14:45.6
Sino na ang magbibigay ng tamang...
14:47.6
I think ano naman, parang...
14:49.6
I think as adults, we are the most accountable to our future selves.
14:55.6
So parang, yun na lang yung iniisip ko palagi.
14:57.6
Everything that I do, I always go back and it will help future Salome to be better.
15:04.6
You know, like...
15:05.6
You know, I work hard now para si future Salome walang inaalala about money.
15:10.6
Ganun. Parang ganun na lang ako mag-isip.
15:12.6
It would be nice if I had my parents there.
15:15.6
To guide me and, you know, to be with me while I'm going through this.
15:18.6
Pero if it's not possible, I have to learn how to give everything to myself.
15:23.6
And that's my main struggle now.
15:27.6
Do you see yourself getting married in the future?
15:31.6
Why? Bakit? Bakit?
15:32.6
Hindi kasi ano, it's just funny that...
15:35.6
Hindi ka naniniwala sa married?
15:37.6
Hindi naman sa hindi ako naniniwala.
15:39.6
Like, I'm not gonna say that they don't last, because they do.
15:41.6
Sometimes it works out really well for people.
15:43.6
But for a lot of people,
15:45.6
like, their relationship will work siguro 5 years, 10 years.
15:49.6
Pero after that, there's gonna be a certain point na hindi na nila gusto.
15:52.6
So I don't want to be stuck in a position where I'm not gonna be able to, like, separate from the person.
15:58.6
Especially now that I'm learning how to love myself,
16:01.6
and nakikita ko ngayon yung kung ano ba tunay na ibig sabihin ng pagmamahal sa sarili,
16:07.6
and kung, like, and what that entails and how difficult that really is,
16:12.6
now that I'm learning what that is,
16:13.6
I feel like once I learn how to get there,
16:16.6
I wouldn't need the partner to make myself happy.
16:20.6
I know now that nobody's gonna love me better than I love myself.
16:25.6
So when you look at yourself in the mirror now, what do you see?
16:34.6
Naalala ko yung ano, there was a person that I hooked up with.
16:37.6
He was an artist.
16:38.6
Parang sinabi niya sa akin na,
16:41.6
it's insane na I had to make a Twitter,
16:45.6
gain 30,000 followers,
16:48.6
and have people tell me that I make them horny.
16:51.6
That I had to become Salome.
16:53.6
I had to become a different person.
16:55.6
Just so I can tell myself na mali yung sinabi sa akin ng magulang ko when I was growing up that I was ugly.
17:02.6
And parang having gone through all of that,
17:07.6
having gone through that process,
17:08.6
parang it culminated in a moment where
17:10.6
I can look at myself in the mirror and feel nothing but love.
17:15.6
So kung may sasabihin ka sa inner child mo,
17:20.6
Sabihin ko sa kanya na,
17:22.6
you're gonna be okay.
17:24.6
Na lahat ng pangarap mo,
17:26.6
eventually makukuha mo yan.
17:29.6
Like all of the attention that you wanted, you'll get there.
17:33.6
All of the love that you didn't get from your parents,
17:37.6
you'll get it from other people,
17:38.6
and you'll get it from yourself.
17:40.6
Parang kapit lang mangarap ka lang.
17:43.6
Dream as big as you want.
17:47.6
Parang yun lang rin naman yung ginawa ko nung bata ko.
17:50.6
Nangarap lang din ako and I didn't know that I'll be here.
17:53.6
I didn't know that I'll be here with you.
17:56.6
Na parang ang laking bagay nun na...
18:00.6
Worth listening pala yung story ko.
18:02.6
Yeah and that's definitely what little Salome used to believe about herself.
18:07.6
So I just wanna like,
18:08.6
come from the future and tell her,
18:11.6
Mangarap ka lang.
18:13.6
Do whatever you want.
18:15.6
Kasi parang if it's for you,
18:16.6
it's gonna come for you.
18:18.6
Yun nga yung sinasabi nila eh na,
18:20.6
hindi papasok ang blessings.
18:22.6
Hindi papasok ang mga biyaya.
18:24.6
Hindi magkakatotoo yung mga pangarap mo.
18:27.6
If you don't make way in your life for them to come in.
18:32.6
You are beautiful.
18:36.6
Sometimes it's really hard to believe.
18:38.6
You are worth loving.
18:48.6
This is how you love yourself.
18:49.6
Kailangan mo samahan yung sarili mo
18:51.6
at the times when your soul feels lonely.
18:55.6
Parang may ganong...
18:57.6
Ikaw ang magiging friend sa sarili mo.
19:00.6
Siyempre may mga araw pa rin where
19:02.6
I look at myself and I'm like,
19:05.6
I don't like my teeth.
19:07.6
I don't like this.
19:08.6
I don't like that.
19:09.6
Kasi parang may mga gagaw rin kasi sa Facebook na
19:12.6
who'd tell you that,
19:13.6
oh pangit ang gilagid mo.
19:15.6
Or mukha ka maasim.
19:19.6
Siyempre there are gonna be times that that's gonna get to you.
19:22.6
And it's up to me to not let that side win.
19:25.6
It's up to me to let love always win
19:29.6
when I look at myself.
