Salome Salvi opens up about her painful childhood and the gradual healing she experiences through self-love. --- The views and opinions expressed by the guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect or represent those of the host or the platform.  We warmly welcome all stories and perspectives shared by our guests, as we value listening to diverse voices. Let us endeavor to maintain this space as a safe and respectful environment, as everyone has a story to share.

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Thank you for watching!

Okay, so ayan.

Syempre ano, new person!

Oo nga, diba?

Nag-work ka today?

Ah, no, no, no.

Yesterday?

I had some errands that are related to my work.

Like, for example, I go to a clinic every week, maintaining my looks and my body.

Health-wise?

Yeah, like I have some measures to help maintain that.

Like, for example, I get tested very often.

And yun nga, I try to eat healthy and maintain my body.

Kasi very physical labor yung ginagawa.

Di ba? Kasi meron silang sinasabi na when two people do it,

it's like yung dalawang paper, tapos lagyan mo ng paste.

And then once you tear it apart, may latak.

May latak. A part of that person stays with you.

Yes, yes.

Yun daw ang having sex or doing it with someone.

So paano yun in your case?

How do you separate the physical and the emotional connection?

Kasi it's work.

Yes, it is.

Paano?

I think naman na definitely part yun ng sex work.

Kasi another term for sex work that we can use is companionship work.

Kasi hindi lang naman sex ang binibenta namin or pinoprovide namin for customers.

It's mostly companionship.

Kasi these people, because of the lack of intimacy that they get,

they will seek sex work providers.

And I just want to say na part yung emotional involvement.

You have to empathize with.

The loneliness that your clients feel.

Pero I believe naman na it's possible naman to compartmentalize and separate.

So paano ka naging sex worker and paano napasok sa porn industry?

Paano nag-start yan?

I started as an alter, as a member of the alter community.

Alter or community is?

It was this community filled with people who need to express themselves sexually.

There's that need for some people na parang I want to tell the world and live my truth

that I am a sexual person.

Some people need an outlet for that.

And at that time in my life, I felt like I needed that also.

So I was like, I want to join this community.

I want to be a part of it.

I want to make my own account, post my own nudes.

Kailan dumating yung you're paid to do it?

So yeah, like noong 2020, I didn't have a job.

I realized that this might be the best time for me to start monetizing the platform that I built.

So paano na monetize?

Noong una, nakapasok ako ng OnlyFans.

And then on Twitter, since I had 30,000 followers, I would just post on Twitter,

Hey, if you want more content, go on OnlyFans.

So I was redirecting the traffic to where people can actually pay me for my content.

So that's how I started monetizing it.

Pero eventually, I left OnlyFans and then nag-start na akong mag-focus sa Pornhub.

So I would post my videos there and the more views that they get, the more money that I'll have for myself.

Wala nang day job?

Ito na talaga yung ginagawa mo.

Siguro the closest thing that I have to a day job would be my work for Viva and my work for GMA.

Ah, yung sa TV?

Yung sa TV, yeah.

But yeah, I think na I would consider my main source of income pa rin talaga as Pornhub and the adult content.

Sino yung mga kasama mo dun sa video?

Sometimes it's other content creators that I got connected to on Twitter.

How long do you see yourself doing it?

Indefinitely.

Um, kasi it's something that is really, really close to my heart.

It's something that I really enjoy doing.

And, you know, graduate ako ng Fine Arts.

And kasi may background talaga ako in art.

Even as a kid, I've always been creative.

I've always been into visual art.

So yung love ko for visual art and yung parang creative hunger na nafe-feel ko,

parang napupunan yun ng porn.

And making porn and making content, being on social media, like all of that,

like, really scratches my creative itch.

How does it make you feel when you watch the video?

Ako, personally, yun nga, masaya ako sa ginagawa ko eh.

And alam ko within myself na I have a lot of skills.

I can do so many things.

But I think sex is what I am best at.

Kasi I'm really in tune with my body.

Malakas yung empathy ko.

So I connect really well with my sexual partners.

And parang,

I'm in a relationship with sex work and I don't see myself leaving it anytime soon because it's something that gives me a lot of joy.

Are you in a relationship ngayon?

No, and I'm not interested.

Yeah.

Dahil?

I just realized naman na over time, kasi I had one relationship to date in my life.

And that relationship failed.

And parang after the failure of that relationship, I realized that maybe it's not for me right now.

Um,

kasi there's,

there's a lot of work and a lot of trauma that I have to unlearn within myself.

And I believe naman na hindi mo kaya magmahal kapag hindi mo mahal ang sarili mo.

And ako, nandun pa ako sa journey ko na yun.

Na minamahal mo yung sarili mo?

Mm-hmm.

Learning to love myself and learning to really take care of myself and be kind to myself.

Kasi, um,

natutunan ko na if you hate yourself, if there's nothing but hate inside you for yourself, it will spill out eh.

It will affect your other relationships.

Dito muna tayo sa sarili ko.

And then,

pag ready na ako,

who knows?

Maybe I'll be open to it in the future.

Pero right now,

I have my goals.

Wala pa yung relationship in the picture.

Ano ang goals ngayon?

Trabaho talaga.

Like, I want to get better at my job, especially now that I entered the mainstream entertainment industry.

I'm doing TV now and film.

So,

focus muna ako kung paano,

paano pagalingin yung part ko na yun.

Kasi it's always been my dream to be

An actress.

Yeah, an actress.

To be in film.

So, now na nang doon na siya,

andito na yung opportunity.

Um,

in front of me.

Gagalingan natin, di ba?

Kasi syempre, di ba, naniniwala tayo na

a big part of who we are today

is based on what happened to us in our childhood.

Yes.

I think a big part of

the growth that I'm experiencing right now

is acknowledging that inner child

and honoring what that child has wanted

na hindi nabigay sa kanya.

Ano yung hindi na ibigay

dun sa young son?

I think that

she missed out on a lot of positive attention and reinforcement.

Because I came from a narcissistic household.

I learned quite recently na it's possible pala

for narcissists to gather and exist in the same family.

And ang nangyayari with narcissists is that

they feel terrible about themselves.

They want everyone around them to feel terrible as well.

So, ang nangyayari in narcissistic households

with narcissistic parents,

pinag-bully nila yung mga anak nila.

Sinasabihan na,

pangit ka, wala kang mararating.

You know, like yung ginagawa,

like all of your friends,

all of your decisions are wrong.

You don't know what's best for yourself.

I grew up hearing that every day.

Pinapagalitan ako, pinapahiya ako

in front of our guests.

Kukumpul-kumpul silang magkakapatid

and then they will talk.

Can I swear?

Can I swear?

Oo.

Yeah, they would talk shit.

Ilang taong ka niyan pag ginagawa yun?

The earliest I can remember was five, eight.

Paano ka nila pag-usapan pag nandyan ka?

Like, they would make fun of my clothes.

They would make fun na malaki yung gilagid ko.

They would make fun na...

Nanay mo?

Nanay ko.

Yun yung pinakamasakit.

Na parang, nanay ka.

Nanay ka and then you're, ano?

No, it's okay.

Yan.

I'll let you know.

Minsan para sa akin yan.

But yeah, like,

not supposed to tell your kid that.

Naniniwala talaga ako na for people

who grew up in narcissistic households

na their parents were their first bullies.

Narealize ko, like when I started visiting

my friends' houses,

I would stay over with them.

Nakikita ako na parang,

they're all treating each other

in a civil way.

In a kind way.

And I'm like, bakit hindi ganito sa bahay?

Bakit puro panlalaat yung naririnig ko?

So walang positive affirmation na?

Meron naman.

Pero it was mostly negative.

Kasi yun yung tumatak sa akin eh.

Kung mostly positive yung nakuha ko,

bakit ako broken ngayon?

Bakit ako merong body dysmorphia issues?

Why do I hate myself so much?

Naniwala ko na mamamatay akong virgin

at walang nagmamahal

kasi araw-araw dinidiktik sa akin

that I don't deserve that

because I'm ugly.

So pag nakikita mo yung sarili mo sa salamin,

pangit na pangit ka noon?

Sobra.

I would see nothing that I would like.

You know?

Kasi nobody told me that

that's what you were supposed to do.

Lahat ng paniniwala ko about myself na pangit,

kailangan kong basagin

in order for me to move forward.

Napatawad mo na yung parents mo?

I'm open to that happening,

but they have to put in the work.

Because I put in the work

of trying to heal from the damage that they caused.

So I know na

kaya ng mga tao to change.

And I know na kaya nila yun

if they just put in the work.

Pero hindi ko nakikita yung initiative na yun from them.

So bakit ko silang patatawarin

kung hindi pa nila pinagdadaanan yun?

Kailangan ko ng accountability from them.

Kasi you were abused verbally growing up.

Yeah.

Physically, you were abused.

Yes, merong moments na ganun.

But the physical abuse

wasn't as damaging or as prevalent

as the verbal abuse.

Yun yung talagang, I think, yung nakabreak sa akin.

In fairness naman to my parents,

I know na I've been talking shit about them.

But when it comes to academic achievements,

they really encouraged me to work on

the many talents that I was blessed with.

Kasi when I was a kid, I loved doing math.

I loved acting.

I loved singing.

And writing and drawing.

Like, I was able to do all of those things.

Pero in retrospect, I think na they were doing that

kasi it looks good for the family

pag meron silang gifted child.

Diba?

Doon lang ako naka-experience ng positive reinforcement

pag nakikita ako na pinagmamayabang ako ng parents ko

because I was good for their image.

May physical abuse nung 8 years old?

Meron.

But not from within my family.

Sexual abuse?

When I told them kasi that this happened to me,

hindi sila naniwala eh.

Ano ba yung ginawa sa'yo?

I was touched in a way that made me feel...

Inappropriately?

Very inappropriate.

Na parang, naglalaro lang tayo.

Kalaw ko eh.

Parang doon ko unang na-experience na

I don't have control over my body in this situation.

And then yeah, when I told my parents,

nung una, inacknowledge nila.

And then the subsequent times that I brought it up,

yun na, parang di naman nangyari yun eh.

Yun yung pinakamasakit.

Na parang they blamed it on my existing mental health issues.

Hindi.

Parang, ba't ka nagtatantrums?

Parang, why are you acting like na parang baliw?

Yun yung...

Nilabel ka baliw?

Nilabel akong baliw.

They know the person who did that to me.

And they allowed that person to be part of their lives.

Drinking with that person, receiving him as a guest,

at our place.

So, parang whenever they would do that,

I would feel betrayed.

As an adult, syempre, I would tell my parents na,

hey, I don't...

May ginawa yan.

May ginawa yan.

I don't like them to be around me.

I don't feel safe.

And then, one of the incidents where I brought it up,

that person was a guest in our house.

They were like,

huwag ka nga mag-tantrums, nakakahiya sa kanya.

Tapos parang, I kept repeating it to them,

no, he did something to me.

And they were like, no, you're just imagining that.

That never happened.

That's not true.

Tapos magtataka sila, why?

Bakit ang dami-dami mong tinatago sa amin?

Bakit ka lagi nagsisinungaling about where you are and what's going on?

Hindi, kasi na-experience ko na kapag nagsasabi ako ng totoo,

you punish me.

So, of course, bilang bata, lalaki ka na nagsisinungaling

because all you want is not to get hurt,

is to save your ass.

Ang strong mo.

Sobra.

Alam mo, parang...

Nag-build ka na lang ng facade mo na,

hindi niyo na ako masasaktan, malakas ako.

Kasi sobra na yung inner pain na dinil mo nung bata ka hanggang ngayon.

Di ba?

Yeah.

Pinagsabi na ba sa'yo kung gaano ka ka-strong?

O ikaw lang ang nakaka-realize nun sa sarili mo?

I think ano, like, the people around me,

like, hindi sila nagkukulang in telling me that.

And I have a habit of discrediting myself.

Of not giving myself enough credit

for what I've achieved, ganyan.

May slight impostor.

You don't deserve it.

Kung ano man.

Yeah. May slight impostor syndrome ako.

Maraduate siya sa UP with a degree in fine arts.

Grabe.

Yeah.

I learned eventually na parang hindi ko na maasahan yung magulang ko

to be the parents that I deserve.

As a child, it's now up to me to parent myself.

And that is the hardest thing that I've had to do for myself.

Na parang...

Maging magulang sa sarili mo.

Maging magulang sa sarili ko na if I needed anybody,

you know, hindi ko maaasahan yung magulang ko for money,

for emotional support, for validation.

No, I have to give that all to myself.

Kasi wala na eh.

Wala nang sinong nagtuturo ng right and wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

Sinong nagka-guide?

Sino ang wisdom?

Sino na ang magbibigay ng tamang...

I think ano naman, parang...

I think as adults, we are the most accountable to our future selves.

So parang, yun na lang yung iniisip ko palagi.

Everything that I do, I always go back and it will help future Salome to be better.

You know, like...

You know, I work hard now para si future Salome walang inaalala about money.

Ganun. Parang ganun na lang ako mag-isip.

It would be nice if I had my parents there.

To guide me and, you know, to be with me while I'm going through this.

Pero if it's not possible, I have to learn how to give everything to myself.

And that's my main struggle now.

Do you see yourself getting married in the future?

No.

Why? Bakit? Bakit?

Hindi kasi ano, it's just funny that...

Hindi ka naniniwala sa married?

Hindi naman sa hindi ako naniniwala.

Like, I'm not gonna say that they don't last, because they do.

Sometimes it works out really well for people.

But for a lot of people,

like, their relationship will work siguro 5 years, 10 years.

Pero after that, there's gonna be a certain point na hindi na nila gusto.

So I don't want to be stuck in a position where I'm not gonna be able to, like, separate from the person.

Especially now that I'm learning how to love myself,

and nakikita ko ngayon yung kung ano ba tunay na ibig sabihin ng pagmamahal sa sarili,

and kung, like, and what that entails and how difficult that really is,

now that I'm learning what that is,

I feel like once I learn how to get there,

I wouldn't need the partner to make myself happy.

I know now that nobody's gonna love me better than I love myself.

So when you look at yourself in the mirror now, what do you see?

Oh...

I'm...

pretty happy.

Naalala ko yung ano, there was a person that I hooked up with.

He was an artist.

Parang sinabi niya sa akin na,

it's insane na I had to make a Twitter,

gain 30,000 followers,

show my body,

and have people tell me that I make them horny.

That I had to become Salome.

I had to become a different person.

Just so I can tell myself na mali yung sinabi sa akin ng magulang ko when I was growing up that I was ugly.

You know?

And parang having gone through all of that,

having gone through that process,

parang it culminated in a moment where

I can look at myself in the mirror and feel nothing but love.

So kung may sasabihin ka sa inner child mo,

the young Sal...

Sabihin ko sa kanya na,

you're gonna be okay.

Na lahat ng pangarap mo,

eventually makukuha mo yan.

Like all of the attention that you wanted, you'll get there.

All of the love that you didn't get from your parents,

you'll get it from other people,

and you'll get it from yourself.

Parang kapit lang mangarap ka lang.

Dream as big as you want.

Dream big kasi.

Parang yun lang rin naman yung ginawa ko nung bata ko.

Nangarap lang din ako and I didn't know that I'll be here.

I didn't know that I'll be here with you.

Na parang ang laking bagay nun na...

Worth listening pala yung story ko.

Yeah and that's definitely what little Salome used to believe about herself.

So I just wanna like,

come from the future and tell her,

you know what?

Mangarap ka lang.

Be a kid.

Do whatever you want.

Kasi parang if it's for you,

it's gonna come for you.

Yun nga yung sinasabi nila eh na,

hindi papasok ang blessings.

Hindi papasok ang mga biyaya.

Hindi magkakatotoo yung mga pangarap mo.

If you don't make way in your life for them to come in.

So yun lang.

Thank you.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You are valued.

Sometimes it's really hard to believe.

You are worth loving.

Yeah.

This is how you love yourself.

Kailangan mo samahan yung sarili mo

at the times when your soul feels lonely.

Parang ganun.

Parang may ganong...

Ikaw ang magiging friend sa sarili mo.

Yeah, yeah.

Siyempre may mga araw pa rin where

I look at myself and I'm like,

I can't wait.

I don't like my teeth.

I don't like this.

I don't like that.

Kasi parang may mga gagaw rin kasi sa Facebook na

who'd tell you that,

oh pangit ang gilagid mo.

Or mukha ka maasim.

Laspag ka na.

Losyang ka na.

Or whatever.

Siyempre there are gonna be times that that's gonna get to you.

And it's up to me to not let that side win.

It's up to me to let love always win

when I look at myself.